We have heard a lot about Elite units. To be in one, (or to be in any unit for that matter), it’s handy to have a good character. Good character gets you through the trials of Everyday Life. Good character means you’re not called a bad ‘un or whispered about, not like those a few doors down who you suspect to be ram raiders or who write bad things about your immediate neighbour in white paint on the road, directly outside their house. Those of good character won’t turn up at your landlord’s house and get let in, in return for a lengthy masturbation session - which you can’t help overhearing. They won’t fall asleep drunk in a bowl of tomato soup. They don't get their sex out and exhibit it (circumcised) in front of a potential suitor they are trying to charm; especially after they have played the piano together. They won’t have their bedroom door peppered in airgun pellets because of the lascivious noises they are making. They won’t turn up with other members of a rowing club that apparently doesn’t exist and make dirty and untrue insinuations about you. They won’t offer you a month's free rent in return to watch you kiss your girlfriend (and maybe more) through an extra keyhole they’ve made in the door.
And they won’t say that the huge bloodstain on your bedroom ceiling is the result of someone bleeding to death fifty years ago.
None of these things happen when you have a good character. Good character can be found in the following extracts.
(j) He shall not use barbed wire for a fence adjoining any path set out by the Corporation or Association for the use of the occupiers of the allotments.
“We explored the town. Very charming with huge cathedral. Exciting open market in Gt. Sq. with beautiful flowers and plants. Bought cheese, cherries, nuts, bread. Ate some by side of canal. A word on the new “friend” - face apple shaped, retroussé nose: (his favourite features), small and slim and dreamy expression. Soft sweet voice. Dilated Pupils?? Good English.”
Since being in this unit this man has been employed as a clerk, which duties he performed very satisfactory. He is honest, hardworking, reliable, intelligent and is highly recommended to any employer. Place: Germany Date: Feb 1946 HQ Staff Section Mil Govt BRT.
“I received a shock halfway through last term when Miss Betts announced that she intended to get engaged on her 21st. As you can guess after Leeds and the weekend I spent at Epsom I was completely unaware of any such thoughts on her part and I was in fact thankful that I wasn’t in M’cr where memories would come back hurtfully. Lassons vite à autre chose!”
(h) He shall keep and maintain in good order the greenhouse and toolshed and in particular the glass of the windows and other incidental fittings and the paint work thereof both exterior and interior and in default thereof the Corporation shall be entitled to replace, renew or make good the same and charge the cost thereof to the tenant.
“EXCUSE ME...
BUT I’M THE BASHFUL, SILENT TYPE! IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF CRAWLING INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT? IF SO, KEEP THIS CARD; IF NOT, KINDLY RETURN IT AS THEY ARE EXPENSIVE!
I’M NOT AS GOOD ONCE, AS I EVER WAS BUT AM AS GOOD ONCE, AS I EVER WAS.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY YES!
JUST SMILE! I’M WATCHING.”
You passed your Battle Physical Efficiency Tests 1-5 on 31 May, 1944.
2. If in the opinion of the Corporation or the Association the tenant causes wilful or wanton damage to any fence gate or path to any waterpipe or tap to any greenhouse toolshed shed or any fitting thereof or to any property of the Corporation the Corporation may at their discretion require the tenant to make good the same and in default thereof may do such work themselves and charge the tenant with the cost.
“You know French towns (exc. Paris) - nothing to do after 9. o’ clock except cinema, theatre or jazz clubs. I’m a member of one of each of these and now know enough people to be invited regularly to parties. And I have even acted as an extra in the Grand theâtre, which is the second largest in France. At first the English assistants clung together (15 female, 6 male) but now we are usually with French groups. I’ve been going around with a married woman of 24 (!) whose husband is in Fr. Guinea. But it’s not as scandalous as you’d think as we help each other with our English and French and it is convenient for me in that she has a car.”
An accompanying post to this Rule, with relevant illustrations, can be found in the Museum of Photocopies.