PINS - Rule Twenty-nine: Where are our Enemies?

(He shot through his daughter’s bedroom door with an airgun, we should have moved out.)

In the last instalment of PINS we talked about advancing, against hidden enemies. That is all very well, but the person who drew up the rules also knew, very well, that at some point you will see your enemies. He made this point very clear on the back of some sheets of Memorandum paper, originally to be used by the City Technical Services Officer, City of Salford, (1976, watermarked 64 MILL HARD-SIZE), but liberated to serve our game. 

The person who drew up the rules was very clear about seeing the hidden enemies: “to start the game we have to know where they are likely to be.”

We are given three ways to do this.

Number one. “You look at the terrain in front of you and number the places you would expect the enemy to possibly be - i.e. you include every possibility.”

Number two. “You enter the numbers on your Rudimentary map if you are attacking unknown territory or detailed map if you are attacking known territory.”

Number three. “You then allocate numbers to unsighted positions (i.e. those suspected from your map, i.e. you cannot see a known-of river crossing but suspect that wherever it is must be guarded - give it a suffix. The same applies to any “known-of” places.

Then a card is dealt to each of your numbers.

Where would the enemy be?

Down the backs, where someone tried to burn the next door’s gate down. It was those punk rockers. Give the backs a suffix of 1A as it’s too close to home.

In care homes and hospitals. You go there and you get ill. Rule of thumb: hospitals kill you, don’t go in them. You never come out. Die at home if you can. Give all hospitals a suffix of 1AA.

In St. Anne’s and St. Joseph’s schools, where the Roman Catholic kids go, they want to beat you up. This is a 2.

Down Clayton old square at night. Or up Fern Gore. Or up Woodnook. Or round Intack. Or down the New Era Disco up from Platt’s Lodge. Or up Spring Hill. Or round Dunnyshop. Or round Alleytroyds. Or Waterloo. Or Milnshaw Res. There are enemies everywhere here, asking, “what you FUCKING SKENNIN AT?” These are all 3s, so more fool you if you wander in blind.

Same in Great Harwood. “If tha’s not from here, don’t bother tryin’.” Another 3. Especially as you have to walk home three miles, past the works and up through Clayton.

In the farm up past Bashall Eaves where everyone was unlucky. All dead, injured or bankrupt. It’s such a shame as you’d buy your eggs and beef cuts there, but there was an unlucky star hanging over all of them.

On a night in South Shields or Wickham. Or Edge Hill. Or Ancoats. Three pints, never one. But the worst is the pub near Wigan North Western. All these places get 5s, but 1s if you’re there, as the experiences can be traumatic.

Whalley Road, Altham. The nasty old sod who poisoned your cat lives along there. You want to ask him why, but you're too young and would feel foolish knocking on his door. And then there’s the gobshite who runs the guest house on Whalley Road, Clayton. Rumour said he’d murdered someone, but got off. Both 4s.

Your granda thinks Mrs Thatcher is the enemy and therefore that means London and most of the Home Counties. Number 1 for London and all those around her who prop up her greedy rule. Though he likes to say in the club that he went on a bus once, from Felling to Wembley, to watch the 1932 cup final and got a lift home on a lorry. 

Your mother thinks Arthur Scargill is the enemy as he lives in a house all paid for from subs, awful. A number 1 for where Arthur Scargill lives.

The thin student who comes to talk to your mother about French literature thinks America is the enemy because it’s capitalist and Reagan is a goon. That’s what he said, staring at the gas fire in the parlour. America gets a big number 1.

All these places can be found on maps. Most - but not all below are latitude 53.75379000, longitude -2.35863000. GPS coordinates of 53° 45' 13.644'' N and -2° 21' 31.068 E

Now we come to the card, which must be dealt.

To do this you have to raise your eyebrows and, while sucking in your breath, roll your eyes.

You have turned over the Ace of Diamonds.

This means Marriage offer, ring, bank notes; reversed, demand for debt, bad news. 

An accompanying post to this Rule, with relevant illustrations, can be found in the Museum of Photocopies.