PINS - Rule Twenty-four: The Electoral College
(He was on the Norwegian railways, in the war!)
It’s been a long time since we talked about who’s in charge in a game of PINS. We did mention that each game needs at least two C.O.s, back when we published Rule One and Rule Two. Back then, we said that C.O.s can be anything, or be called anything beginning with C and O, but C.O.s who could make a plate pie on a plate, or recognise good pointing, would be at an advantage.
That’s all fine and dandy, but C.O.s aren’t in charge. C.O.s need to report to someone. Before we can go back into the garden, or the shed, or the Backs, or to the bedroom floor to carry on dreaming about PINS or football, or girls, or other matters, we should describe the people who run things. We think these people are listed as members of something called the Electoral College.
The first overview of the Electoral College is written on the back of a TERRIER ADJUSTMENT SHEET. This must mean it’s important, especially as the following words are typed out.
NAME :
ADDRESS :
FILE No :
TYPE OF CHANGE :
Surrender
Occupation
Rent Overview Notice
Notice To Quit
Lease Renewal Agreement
DETAILS :
SIGNED :
DATE :
Yes, these are all important things, as anyone would agree. Also important is the name of Miss Tina Smith, written neatly in black biro, with an old Manchester phone number. 672907.
But enough: here’s the first list of the Electoral College.
Herzog von Hochwurnz-Uiberwald (“die Alt Uiberwalder”) - Sigismund III
Grossherzog von Holesien - Ludvig I
Grossherzog von Renesberg - Louis III (“Grand Duc”)
Herzog von Maamwich - Johannes III
Peter - Archbishop of Rainz (Holesia)
Johannes - Archbishop of Wippersdorf (HW-U)
Eagle-eyed readers may recall a previous rule of PINS, Rule Nineteen, where this list was also given, as a riposte to a bunch of long-haired buggers in the office and their inner city ways. It’s time to expand it, as the TERRIER ADJUSTMENT SHEET has a second listing. Only after reading and digesting this second list can you call this an overview of the the Electoral College.
Ferdinand II - Grossherzog von Bucherien
Wilhelm IV - König von Hassreich und Bergen
Carl I - Herzog von Hochwurnz Ruhe
Ludwig-Adolf I - Herzog von Hochwiurnz Schoffelingen
Albrecht II - Margrave von Mittlwurnzen
If you wish to transfer the names into your own set of rules, we advise you do so using a dip pen and ink, and writing them on the back of an equally official sheet of paper. Remember to do this during office hours.
Still: these names are just names until you can PUT A FACE TO THEM. That’s what Donger Phil would say in a number of Accrington pub saloon bars, as he would casually flash his Playboy ring to the assembled company. Let’s, just this once, take Donger Phil’s advice.
Ferdinand II - Grossherzog von Bucherien = John Inman, playing Mother Goose (he walks around his flat IN THE NUDE, according to great aunt Marion).
Wilhelm IV - König von Hassreich und Bergen = Bill Owen (a pretend Yorkshire pudding who can’t remember his lines, according to grandma).
Carl I - Herzog von Hochwurnz Ruhe = Tony Wilson (a vain beggar, full of himself, who tagged on to me and Paddy Crerand in the Granada hospitality bar, according to dad).
Ludwig-Adolf I - Herzog von Hochwiurnz Schoffelingen = Bertrand Russell (who I once went to lunch with when I was a young reporter, says mum).
Albrecht II - Margrave von Mittlwurnzen = Brendan Foster (who’s related to us, but I can’t remember how, according to granda. But there are an awful lot of Fosters on Tyneside).
Johannes - Archbishop of Wippersdorf (HW-U) = Curtly Ambrose, who you once saw clamber out of the back of a Ford Fiesta on your estate.
There are others - who you have all seen in panto. Alongside Inman and Owen are Ken Dodd, Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough, and Stanley Baxter. The last three are too nice to be in PINS.
And Jim Bowen, who was cheeky as a kid and would always be down the chippy on Whalley Road, Clayton, according to grandma. That’s near where the black hand was painted on a wall, with its index finger pointing to the filled up window, spooky. Also spooky is the plaque showing where Eric Morecambe lived when he worked the pits in Clayton. It shows Eric’s face.
We could suggest the following for the second list.
Ferdinand II - Grossherzog von Bucherien = The simple boy with curly hair who waves at you on lower Whalley Road, his mother standing behind him in their doorway.
Wilhelm IV - König von Hassreich und Bergen = Any one of the relations who had to go to Australia after the war, leaving everyone behind: a Ten Pound Pom.
Carl I - Herzog von Hochwurnz Ruhe = The foot (and otherwise charred and powdered remains) of Dr John Irving Bently (92), of Coudersport Pennsylvania, in The World Atlas of Mysteries (Pan Books, 1978).
Ludwig-Adolf I - Herzog von Hochwiurnz Schoffelingen = The mystery Polish pilot, Richard. Grandma’s friend. All we know of him is a written dedication in a Polish-English dictionary, and a photograph.
Albrecht II - Margrave von Mittlwurnzen = Your pal at school, who swims in the Leeds-Liverpool canal to build up his muscles.
This is all plain daft. A rum do. Comical. Silly. But entirely in keeping with PINS. Why make everything obvious?
An accompanying post to this Rule, with relevant illustrations, can be found in the Museum of Photocopies.